confession of go-go boy (Part 3)

It was after dancing at XXL club and at the same time we were working every week at Fire I realized that evening after evening after a long night of dancing, drinking, chatting I was back home alone AGAIN. I realized this when I was at the entrance to the club and greeted every hot guy who was waiting in line, I realized this when I was moving my little bum on the stage and spent the whole evening behind the scenes instead of being with everyone as a "stage boy". Just then I realized that I was crying, because I went home again alone, and because I was unrealistically tired. I was crying because all those years I was on the stage expecting, "If only" "if it were me" "I would be happy," I sincerely believed that if I was that guy with Aussiebum undies, everyone would want ME! That life will fall into place, the feeling of mistrust will disappear, that the guy I was looking for will appear. That everything will end magically as in fairy tales.

I think it happened when I realized that everything I wanted in my life wont make me happy. That's why I cried, I cried because I realized that all the things I want won't make my life ideal, they just pushed me back. That happiness comes from within, but how? I was crying because I didn't know what I wanted in the end. I was finally crying because I was lonely...

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Afternoon thoughts

Here's how I feel when most people turn off their eyes after five minutes of my luck theory lecture, though I can't even finish of the introductions. Every day like a big zoo around :) but it's all right, better than you think. If others feel the same about me, it is all uber :)

Information Accessibility Overdose

I think I am exhausted because I often stumble and I am just frustrated by others and I have long forgotten about quiet sleep. Frequent frequency and the current time. And my fatigue is chronical, and is probably incurable, leaving me in the environment where I am today. The fact is that so many things I don't know and so much I can't do. But I'm so tired and in my head sounds Gregorian chanting, while all the knowledge and all the information just rub around and sleeps on the mat, begging for a long-term residence permit in my brain. And where is the need to remind the world that I exist here? Even writing this blog is worthless. My buddy hinted that it was difficult for him to talk in real life because if Google is unreachable it feels unsafe. I have noticed that I do not even try to memorize anything, because I can get everything by fingers allowing me to write down the keyboard maze, and in the worst case, just check the history of the web browser. From all ...

Coffee in your cornflakes

Once I had a lecture by Professor Ian Robertson about forgetfulness, distraction and inattention. Why do we sometimes pour coffee in our cornflakes instead of milk? Why don't we remember how we find ourselves somewhere else? Leaving home with slippers, etc. The answer to all the questions is automation, which is the result of routine and loos of the joy of life. Despite the fact that one of the most sophisticated mechanisms in the world is installed between our ears, a normal statistical person on the way to work does not look around, he does not know how many and what buildings are around, do not look at people, can not even tell the colour of the co-workers' eyes. Most of our behavioural complexes are habits. It's like a soft which w e will gradually install ourselves. Looks like we look, but we don't see it because we don't pay attention. To sum up, we control only a small part of our actions, and we leave the rest of the controls in the brain. So we tur...

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